The Third Worst Single Of 2005

3. "My Humps" by The Black Eyed Peas
You know how it is. After a hard day in the studio working on your diet-Fugees brand of pop, it's good to go out for a few beers. You get back, someone's left the drum machine running, so you kick back, have a few smokes and piss about with the microphones till everyone falls unconscious. You awake the next morning with an uneasy feeling, hoping to Christ no-one recorded that bollocks you spouted last night. But they did. And they released it as a single.

This is the only explanation I can think of for how "My Humps" came about (as well as, come to think of it, "Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani). It has to be true, because the only alternative is that someone walked into the band meeting and said "You know, I've always wanted to do a song about my arse." At least I assume that's what she's singing about - unless she actually has a horrible spinal deformity, in which case I have completely misinterpreted the song and I apologise.

The worst thing is, the song has "hen night staple" written all over it. This is despite it having no discernible tune, and having a message which is the exact opposite of classics like "I Will Survive" or "Independent Women" - man buys expensive stuff for his girl because she has pert buttocks. Is it satire? Possibly - but are those hen-nighters enjoying it because of the satirical content? Or because they can sing, "My lovely lady lumps" at each other and get away with it? Not that there's anything wrong with that as such, but would they do the same to "Big Bottom" by Spinal Tap, which has much the same sentiments, and with a much better tune? Lord, I hope so.